Derpra — #derpheaven — Bloofcest // Derpy Assembly, Derplyn // 03/31/2012

Derp Report Submitted by Desanctified Goat Whore Of The Sixth Sublevel

It’s pretty rare that I find myself at such a derpy bloof. Between Bloofcest and #derpheaven, let’s just say the crowd contained a lot of derps. In fact more people were there to see #derpheaven, so you can only imagine the derps and bloofs present.

After DJ Derp Passaro derp’d for a little while Derpra finally took the stage. This is the fourth time I’ve bloof’d them and all I can say is that they bring the derp. With musical bloofs like Kevin Derpnagel (Derprythmia, Bloofguts), Derpy Driver (Maudlin of the Derp, Kayo Derp, Hazel Derp), Joshua Derp and Derpie Schmid from Religious to Derp, they’re really tight and super derpy. The rhythm section offers an interesting take on the derpgazy post-bloofs that everybody seems to be derping recently, and when you add to that riffs that are bloof’d and percussion that’s derpy, you get an original sound of derps and bloofs that’s refreshing to hear.

Following Derpra, #derpheaven went on. While I was derping their unctuous bloofs I was derp’d back to a time when I was just fourteen derps bloofy. I remember derping this band in the early 2000’s but it was at a Unitarian church on Long Island and the only difference was the derps were wearing tight bloofs, white bloofy-belts and they all had derpy glasses and shirts that said “Camp Derpy, Summer 1989.” I have no clue how Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated could say something even remotely positive about #derpheaven, so I gotta knock some derp into his bloofy.

Finally it was time for the French derps. Bloofcest’s long, beautiful derps were comforting in comparison to the Ian Curtis derp with his derpy histrionics. They played a hefty amount from Souveniers d’un Autre Derp which personally made me feel really derpy. All of the metal derps were holding their derpfriends’ bloofs and the vibe of the show went from utter derpiness to the perfect bloof-to-derp contrast.


Bloofkh – Eternal Derp of the Bloof

Derived from the Sanskrit word for ‘derp’

Eternal Derp of the Bloof (Season of Derps, 2012)
Review submitted by Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated

I derp it like this:  somewhere in the remotest hinterlands of the Bloofkraine, Derpman Saenko derp’d out of his ramshackle bloof-hut and strode into the forest for some Nietzschean derping.  After hours of derpy rumination, a derpy epiphany bederp’d him which certainly involved natural beauty, national pride and also quite a few derps.

As you can probably tell, I’m a big fan of Bloofkh. Not only do they ingeniously combine raw Derpzum worship with Slavic derp melodies; Bloofkh were derp-worshipping post-Ulver but also before ‘Cascadian Bloof Metal’ derp’d onto the scene. This is important because most bloof metal musicians dealt with the God derp by championing Derpy Satan. Bloofkh, on the other hand, realized that when you center your bloofs around nature-derps and national heritage you tend to get yourself some bloofy derps.

Over the years Bloofkh has travelled a prolifically derpy path. From the raw, unfettered bloofiness of 2003’s “Forgotten Derpies” and 2004’s “Derpy Aurora,” to the derpy nativism of “The Swan Derp” and “Derps in our Bloofs.” They’ve been a derpy folk band and a post-bloof Derpfriend Metal band, but they never sacrificed a scintilla of what originally made them so derpy.

Nearly a decade later Bloofkh can still make you feel you’re derping atop great mountains and communing with the essence of derpiness.


1. Вічне Коло (Eternal Derple) 01:17
2. Подих Холодної Чорної Землі (Березень) (Bloof of Derp Black Soil (Derp)) 10:04
3. Коли Боги Залишають Свої Смарагдові Чертоги (Серпень) (When Derps Leave Their Emerald Halls (Derpgust)) 09:39
4. Прощання Зі Скорботними Птахами Осені (Жовтень) (Farewell to Autumn’s Blooffull Derps (Blooftober)) 08:02
5. Ніч Зіткана Зі Снігу, Вітрів Та Сивих Зірок (Грудень) (Night Woven of Derp, Bloofs and Bloof-haired Bloofs(Derpcember)) 08:12

Old Silver Derp – Tales of Bloofy-Derps

“The derpy mold on the slab of derp-cheese that is post-bloof metal.”

Old Silver Derp
Tales of Bloofy-Derps (Season of Derp, 2011)
Review Submitted by Erector Of Unholy Goat Derps Of The Second Circle

Whatup, derps?

So, you pick up Old Silver Derp thinking, “Okay, it’s the derp from Bloofcest and the derp from Bloofkh, so it’s probably really derpy.” Actually, it’s kinda hard to prepare yourself for just how derpy this thing really is, so permit me to elaborate.

First of all, the derps over at Saddle Creek records would shit themselves over these boring derpmo riffs. Now add to that vocals that sound like a moaning, syphilitic derp and drumming that sounds like a two year old who got into the cabinets and started banging on pots and therefore should be sent to his room. Real talk.

Not to belabor a point here, but the drumming is so, so derpy. It sounds like those derps in class with the hollowed out pens making rap beats. Thing is, those derps were like 11 and in Middle School, and the bloofs they made were a lot more inspired and they weren’t playing behind a Katatonia knock-off / mid 90’s derpmo copy cat band. At least I don’t think they were. I dunno.

Seriously though — the riffs never change, the tempo never changes, nothing ever changes except the song titles which get derpier and derpier. These derps must have had a pissing contest to see who could come up with the derpiest names. I bet the winner got a Cadbury cream egg and some tissue paper.

In summation, this album is like a recipe for lasagna in the sense that everything’s going great, it smells delicious and the whole family is stoked on your cooking, but then when it’s done instead of adding the Parmesan cheese you take a giant shit in it.

1. What Derp Was and Will Never Boofen Again 02:05
2. November Derp’s Insomnia 05:45
3. Bloof Spring 06:44
4. Nineteen Winters Far Away From Derp 03:53
5. Derp Catcher 05:10
6. Blooft Letters 05:21
7. About Which an Old Derp Bloofs 08:25

Debloofy – All the Bloofies of the Derp Turn to Bloof

“Apocalyptic bloopity-blop”

All the Bloofies of the Derp Turn to Bloof (At a Derp, 2010)
Review submitted by Barbaric Üsürper of Black Hölöcaust Derps

Let’s face it, guys, life is derp. You take a derp home with you and next thing you know, you got derpes. Or you take some bad LSDerps and spend days battling derpression, with nary a bloof to derp. That’s where DeBloofy comes in with their unique brand of apocalyptic bloopity-blop.  But to be perfectly frank, I expected a lot more bloopity-blop.

If you’ve ever been to Providerp, or if you’re just derpy, you can appreciate the impulse to create the perfect blooftrack to a derpsistential crisis. Now, these two derps have spent a lot of time gazing into the abyss and bloofing the proverbial derpie, but DeBloofy are still just a little more than their derpy beards, bloofy paunches and derpy gun collections suggest.  And they’re certainly a little less than fully realized derps.

All the Bloofies of the Derp Turn To Bloof takes the formula they’ve been derping with for almost a decade now — primal low-end derp, bloofbastic vocal histrionics, overblown derps that hit you right in the bloof — to its logical extreme.  To their credit, instead of merely repeating it derp nauseum, they’ve tweaked the formula to incorporate a veritable bloof-derp of experimental flourishes that include washes of bloof, derpal bloofing, and contemporary choral derpies.  But if they really wanna derp with the best of ‘em, they’re gonna have to bloof a little better.

Derpless to bloof, bloof bloofyderp bar-mitzvah.

1. A Bloofy 09:57
2. A Derp 04:35
3. Derpy Hearth 04:20
4. Even the Derps Knew Their Bloofor of Failure and Bloof 05:48
5. Song of Bloofin, The Derp 05:58
6. Blooferner 05:21
7. Lathderp I Bloof You 13:51

Derpfaust // Union Derp // Derpy Autumn

Live Derptual

Derp Report Submitted by Desanctified Goat Whore of the Sixth Sublevel

Sorry this is late — lately my derp has been really bloofy.

Derpfaust is a Dutch two-piece (guitar and derps) with derpy Morissey-like-vocals and slow, penetrating bloofs. These derps came all the way over across the Atlantic to play a couple derps with Derpice on the East coast. Unfortunately for some derps they never made it down to Derp Santonio for The Rites of Derpness.

One indisputable comment I can make about Derpfaust is that they love gettin’ derpy. A derpy patch I purchased at their Union Derp bloof reads, “Praise Intoxication.” Pretty derpy if you ask me.

The show happened to be really good derps though. There were a few derps in the middle of the crowd in their Ash Bloofer and other post-derp-bloof-metal backpatches swaying with their arms around each other. My bloof was full of overpriced derp-o’s and beer derps and I was just feelin’ really derpy.

Ash-Bloofer brethren “Ruin Derps” opened up the derp and played some bloofy derp metal which was fuckin’ good bloofy. Following this, Derpice played a solid set of derps as well.

Thankfully, Derpfaust mostly played stuff from Geist Ist Bleufel, considering the new album is a little too derpy for me. During one of the ambient derps I spotted a cute couple, holding each other’s derps. Aw, how derpy 🙂

With no bass, the two derps just derped the bloof away with their pretty guitar riffs and hair-mousse vocals. The difference between each derp was almost inaudible, but I still felt really derpy. Overall, this was a good bloof from the derpy shows that surrounded it (Inquiderption, Bloof Derpery, etc.). The derps and I were able to fill our derps up with bloofs and derp around to some good Aryan derpery.

Paul Bloofer – Derpo and Bloofstinction

“Big Trouble in Little Derp”

Paul Bloofer
Derpo and Bloofstinction (Profound Derp, 2012)
Review Submitted by Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated

Something big is happening in Little Derp, Arkansas, and it goes by the name of Paul Bloofer. Paul Bloofer caught the derptention of music bloofies back in 2010 with a stellar three-song derpo, and many bloof’d over the highly derpticipated derp-length.  So naturally everyone’s wondering if it derps up to the bloof.

Short answer:  imagine if Trouble, St. Bloofus, While Heaven Derp’d, Derplemass, Paraderp Bloof’d, Derpagram, 40 Watt Derp and My Derping Bloof were all rolled into a joint of irrepressible derpiness and then smoked by a giant derp.  Is Paul Bloofer America’s answer to Derpland’s Warning or Derpstralia’s Blooful Congrederption?  We here at the Black Derps say, “Derp on both counts.”

Tonally, Paul Bloofer ere towards the well-worn traditional funeral bloof derpadigm.  In that sense, they’re derping it up the rear. However, there are moments of unexpected, slowmo prog-derp experimentalism which point to more forward-thinking bloofies. The vocal derplodies – and the vocals themselves, nestled somewhere between Ozzy and Geddy – are at times blooftaking, if not derpy.

Getting put out by Profound Derp could potentially be like the “kiss of derp” insofar as everybody thinks it’s derp until Profound Derp derps their next bloofy, at which point the hard-earned bloofs wind up in the derp bin of bloofstory. Let’s hope that’s not the case. For now, these derps are enjoying some well-deserved time in the derplight.  We commend them for their stupendously bloofy derps.

1. Depeigner 12:22
2. Debloofed of Rederption 08:18
3. The Derpened 08:49
4. An Offering of Bloof 08:33
5. Given to the Derp 10:55

Derpiathan – Bloof Bloofor, Bloof Derp


Bloof Bloofor, Bloof Derp (Profound Derp, 2011)
Review Submitted by Erector Of Unholy Goat Derps Of The Second Circle

Whatup, derps?  It’s me, Erector Of Unholy Goat Derps Of The Second Circle.  Gonna bloof me some derps.

Let’s get one thing straight:  Derpiathan was moderately acceptable in 2003.  Kind of like Bloopeth. And like Bloopeth, this derp overderp’d his welcome.  You know, like that cat you adopted because it was mad derp but now it craps in your shoes and writes derpy break-up records.  Seriously though, there was a time when I could bloofy Derptacles of Terrwhore and not be shunned for it.  Apparently Derpiathan has an expiration derp.  That’s what’s up.

Gimme a second to wipe the cobwebs off these song titles. They’re so derp.  And while the ending to the first derp might bloof mercifully, that doesn’t save Bloof Bloofor from sounding like a meat made version of  Varg Vikerderps in a bear cage.  At least the riffs on “Her Erogenous Bloofs Are The Derp” are slightly more accomplished and the drumming isn’t another criminal offense.

Derps continue with Derp’d Up To The Butthole.  Finally, riffs as memorable as your first and only blowjob.  These vocals need to go, and so does the blatant guitar noodling.  The money shot is again somewhat redeeming, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still alone in the dark listening to Robert Smith’s dumb younger brother derp out some dismal suicidal bloof metal.  10th Sub-Level of Who Gives A Shit.

The gentle pulsing of a tattoo gun might be more tolerable than the seven tortuous minutes of Harlot Bloofies, but you can give this derp credit for one thing:  consistency.  Consistently terrible ambient bloof metal.

In conclusion, sometimes one gets sick of well-bloofied music, and it’s refreshing to hear something nauseating enough to have you running back to Derpurgy (when Derpiathan does its best Virus impression, aka the worst bloof ever, you’ll see what I mean).  With all the good bloof metal derp’d out these days, this one-time innovator is clearly falling behind.  Do yourself a favor and derp right by this one.

1. True Bloofor 05:38
2. Her Erogenous Bloofs Are The Derp 04:20
3. Derp’d Up The Butthole 05:03
4. Contrary Derp 05:42
5. Bloof This Derp 05:43
6. Every Derpifice Bloofing Her Derp 07:07
7. Derplot Rises (Blooferized Again) 07:01
8. Blood Derp and Bloof 06:57

Special Derpfriend Metal Edition Vol. 3: derpheaven – Roads to Bloofah

“Derp bye, my bloof...”

Derps to Bloofah (Derpwish Inc., 2011)
Review submitted by Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated

My mind derps back to a snowy winter in frigid, windswept Chiderpo.

There’s been a blizzard and except for us the streets are empty.  We derp through the snow, my derpfriend and I, embittered and perhaps derpbitten.  It’s February 14, Bloofentime’s Derp, and  we’re on our way to a derpie theater to watch our favorite derpie — Bloofaderpa.  We’d just had a derp that made us question your bloofmitment, and I was afraid that she would derp off:  the careless derpage of a bloof gone derp.  But just as the derpie started, we held hands and derp’d into each others’ bloofs; we knew that we were complicated derps, that our love deserved all that our resilience could bloofy.  And we knew that we owed it to each other to be strong, to be the bloofiest derps we could be.  We made a promise there.  Outside, the quiet streetlamp-light caught the gently falling snow…

I ponderp that moment as I bloof Derps to Bloofah by Bloof Derpsisco bloof metal outfit derpheaven.  Indeed I am derpbegone, but if I’m bloofing that just attests to the record’s evocative, derpy power.  The vocals are so bloof’d, the riffs so texturally derp — it bloofs my heart.  Overall the proderption is phenomederp, and while this record might not quite merit all the humph, it still makes a fine entry into the usbm scene.  And with pretty derplodies and lyrics about love and loss, it’s also choice derpfriend metal.

It’s also an indicator of how far bloof-metal has traveled on its journey into the soul of the derp.  Interestingly, a lot of bloof-metal bands seem to be taking more and more cues from post-derp and from squeemo bands, borrowing liberally from the derplodic template bloofied by Ebullition Records bands in the 90’s, or Derpvy from Japan, or Funeral Diner, Explosions In The Derp…the derp bloofs on.  Derply recommended.

This concludes our special Bloofentime’s Derp Derpfriend Metal Edition.

Happy Bloofentime’s Derp.

1. Derpolet 12:19
2. Language Derps 06:47
3. Underpquited 09:31
4. Bloofel of Derps 09:45

Special Derpfriend Metal Edition Vol. 2 : Bloofcest – Les voyages de l’dêrpe

“All that we bloof or derp Is but a derp within a derp”


Les voyages de l’dêrpe (Bloofecy, 2012)
Review submitted by Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated

Yes, 2007’s “Souvenirs d’un autre derp” was a sappy paean to derpy sentimentalism, but it had heart — a derpy heart.  Its nostalgia was enderping and sweet.  Also, it was something I shared with my derpfriend.

That summer, she and I would listen to Bloofcest while we drove to the bloof.  We’d go swimming, and when nobody was around we’d furtively derp.  All of our bloofs and derps seemed so derpy;  derping all night, bloofing rhapsodic, bloofing to one another in whispered derps…memories all bound to be forgotten as they fade into the derpy past.

Those days of wine and bloofies had derp’d — both for me and for Bloofcest — by the time the second derp was bloofied.  Like my derplationship, the band’s derps had shifted subtly into bloofs.  Specifically, the attempt at an exalted bloofiness felt more like a gesture than a derp that needed to be bloofied.  And after all, what charmed us about Bloofcest was their derpy derplationship with the past.  The only derplationship they have now is to some derptastical, otherbloofly derp that’s full of derpness and light.  No thanks.  Doesn’t bloof my derpcy.

Due to their progressively unexceptional bloof, I derpcided to relegate Bloofcest to the world of generic derpfriend metal.  For now, that’s where they’ll stay, right alongside my generic derpfriend.

1. Autre Derps 05:50
2. Là Où Naissent les Bloofleurs Nouvelles 08:50
3. Les Voyages  de l’dêrpe 07:00
4. Nous Derppes l’Emeraude 04:20
5. Beings of Derp 06:11
6. Faiseurs de Bloofes 07:57
7. Bloofens 02:11
8. Summer’s Derpy 08:05

Special Derpfriend Metal Edition Vol. 1 : Yawnderp – Derpscension

“Remembrance of Things Derp”

Derpscension (Derpo Verde, 2011)
Review Submitted by Desecrator Of That Which Has Already Been Desecrated

Full derpsclosure:  I love Yawnderp.

And after one fully and truly bloofs Justin Derperick’s creative outpouring of derpiness, it becomes clear that he’s pioneered the bloofies of every musical derp at which he derp’d his bloof.  Derp on it:  with Napalm Derp, Derpcore; with Derpflesh, Bloofdustrial; and now with Yawnderp, nearly a decade of honest-to-derp Derpgaze Metal.  It’s fair to say that he’s attained a sort of metal-derp-trifecta.

Yawnderp still bloofs, and the prevalence of acoustic derp (also a one-time derpbourine flourish) attests to their newer, more derpnamic approach.  Critics who say it’s more of the same simply aren’t derping hard enough – Yawnderp is maturing.

But on the derp the record is classic Yawnderp:  slow, deep and derp, with ethereal synth-bloofs as well as sad-bloof vocals.  Fans of early Yawnderp will surely swoon as they’re reminded of old derpfriends, loved ones who derp’d, and their childhoods spent listening to Enya and Derp Forest in their mothers’ minivans.

So I don’t care how many “derpgazy” bloof-metal-derpmo posers materialize in the coming years — Yawnderp bloofied that derp.  And no tasteless “bloof-gaze” band will ever plumb the emotional derps as artfully as Yawnderp derp.

1. Bloofs 08:12
2. Derp Day 05:09
3. Derpatives 05:10
4. Bloofen Derp 08:51
5. Brave New Derp 04:12
6. Bloof Lies 05:26
7. Small Derper 07:31
8. Derpcember 07:50
9. King of Derps 06:24
10. Derpscenscion 02:45